(Note to self nothing to do with grandfather)
If you wanted an itty bitty waisted model who pouted at all the right times and said your name as much as you needed for 40, you should've told me.
If you were going to try to find me, just so you can tell me you need me in words that would flush even the raunchiest paperback novelists, why didn't you just tell me?
I would've closed the door on your face long before the scent of you clung to all the sheets and my brain, never to be cleaned out.
You see it's not fair how you barged in, saying such sweet words with sweeter kisses. Telling me you'd save me from him, from Hell, that you'd hold my hand for a lifetime if you had to.
Remember how I told you I was so terrified of men I almost threw my phone out the window when they kept calling? But for you, I picked it up, even with all the shaking.
Remember how I told you I never slept well, because I kept getting woken up by my own screaming? You asked me what it was that was haunting me, and in response, we opened up our chest and let you see the extent of what we've hidden. In that moment you met parts of me I didn't even know of myself. In that moment you had all of me, raw and throbbing by your hands, on your promise you'd give it all back sewed right back up.
Liar. You either conveniently forget, or have no conscience at all. Take your pick. You knew how much this would ravage me, and you still did it.
So don't come crying at my door the nights you feel so alone, and you want to make the excuse it won't happen again. Don't come calling me up about how I didn't give you nearly enough back for every night you stayed up with me through the demons roaring in my head.
I never said you had to be awake. I never had you chained, always said I'd understand if you had to walk away. You're the one who kissed me gently under my eyes when I looked at you, each one widened with worry. You said there was no part of me you didn't want to see, no part of me you wouldn't handle with care. Nothing that would let you even be dragged from me.
Well you broke the whole thing you idiot. I gave you all the precautions, and you still threw me into the wall and acted surprised when my smile fell away with a crack. You think you'd just keep getting away with doing exactly what he did? You think just because the path is already tread, it means there's all the more room for your shoes? You think you were actually clever in this?
I wish I'd never met you. I wished I'd never told you your voice sounded like an angel and I'd follow it home. I would've hung up hysterical if I'd known you were the Pied Piper, waiting for the perfect chance to lock the doors. And don't blame your scars for making you an animal. We all have them, and god knows we're not all putting our noses up skirts we don't belong. God knows I don't believe you when you tell me you had no control. You had enough to count the bills you threw on me when you were just about done.
Don't pretend you didn't know. Don't pretend it's wrong I told you you're no longer anyone I want to know.
Don't pretend you're still somehow in love.
Leave me to my pain you'll never take away again. You made such disappointed sounds when I screamed you'd bruised me, and had the gall to say you didn't mean to hurt me. Well you sure have a way of showing it, finding every way for me to get my defenses down just so you could watch me fall apart again. It's too bad I had to be your fetish, broken girl you can cradle before breaking more, your doll you can sew up and split at need.
Well you won't be seeing anything more of me.
I hate you for what you've done to me.
I hate you most of all for lying to me, and trying to make like this was never coming.
If you wanted a pin up, if you wanted a quick one, why'd it have to be me, when you knew what I've seen?
When you convinced me you were a reason to trust in this dark world again?
You saved me from the ledge just to try to make yourself the ruler of my H*ll.
All this, because you said you'd never touch me wrongly, you'd find joy in just holding my hand...
Why the h*ll did you have to tell a lie like that?