True strength is being daringly human in the face of being told you're nothing

Aimed at multiple people in person. Sigh.
Grandmother mostly in mind though, still considering this month.. :/
 
May 23 2013

It's suddenly hitting me like this huge weight. This really isn't what most people have to go through. This isn't most people's lives. It wasn't okay or acceptable, and man I've lived *years* being abused, constantly. Almost every day at times.
 
And I've ran away from it for so long, convincing myself "It could be worse". Trying to tell myself it's not real, in my head, stay in denial so it doesn't hurt. Until it adds up more and more.
But I'm letting myself now see.
It's real, it's big, and it does hurt. It hurts so much. It hurts for every day of this life I was denied for another's sick wishes, for the fact this is the only life I've ever known. For the fact I was raised for this.
 
I don't want to run away anymore though. I don't want to tell myself to stop feeling and just forget. I don't want to anymore. I want to remember, so that at some point I'll truly be on the other side.
Came up today because of a huge blow up situation at school, and having a big whopping realization that yeah, it really isn't okay what I've been having to deal with as my "normal" for so long.
And weird I used these pictures considering it's not specifically about the childhood that's been coming up the most lately. But it's probably intertwined I guess.
Trying to feel this out
 
May 22 2013

That David played and it pleased the Lord..
 
But you don't really care for music do you?
 
****
So sad today.
Yesterday too, but it's holding on through today.
Sigh.
Everything feels overwhelming and tragic right now.

Ugh.
I just feel weird reading about this and seeing it in my face, that this stuff is real.
@_@
 
May 18 2013

I'm too exhausted to do this tonight so I'll finish this tomorrow.
 
***
 
I look for you still baby, especially on days when the cold is as deep as the Atlantic, even in this land bound town. I search for traces of you along the trails of my raised skin, and try to follow the smoke signals of my lungs meeting the sky. I think of you in cold baths where I feel baptized in the still without you. I get lost in the sensation when I hold my breath underneath hoping you'll appear to me in a vision.

Attempting to free write a bit. I haven't in a while so this might be terrible but oh well. Probably need to write a bit.
 
***
 
He says I'm not my story. Shaking in his hands he tells me something has to give, that I can't be someone to sob over for all my life. It's all my choice, whether I'm someone they can all look up to or not, and it all depends on me choosing to let it go. Will I be brave or take the coward's way out?
I swallow and go to erase the lines of everything I was going to write, because I feel like a broken record myself. Who cares about the many times I died when my body is still here alive?
When there's only smudges left on my fingers of all the words I swallowed back down, he goes to kiss me. I smile and thank him for the wake up call.
 
He doesn't notice my fingers are still quivering.
I don't feel the inward collapse until I get home, and my legs can hardly carry me up the stairs.
At one point even I had myself fooled it could be that easy.
 
**
They ask me what it is I could be so sad over. "Cheer up" they say with lists and lists of reasons. "You're too beautiful to be sad" "You're so young" "You light up a room when you're in it, why can't you feel it yourself?" "How can someone who seems as sure and as talented as you have any issues at all?"
When I say I don't know they answer with "Why?"
 
A hundred things come to mind. Last week a woman said to me we can only hold in our mind one thought at a time, right when I was tentatively cradling seven, afraid of losing my grip. She said it can be fixed with smiling and laughing, but I wanted to look her in the eye and ask her how that erased him dragging me into a hotel room, where was the laughter when he didn't listen to me cry.
I wanted to suck all the spirit out of her "positive thinking" but I didn't, I just smiled and said thank you, feeling like my threads were about to split.
 
There's the doctor who said my brain is broken in yet another way, and she was sorry to break the news. There's her crying confession of what his hands did to her and what she had to do in order to keep herself from paying for life. I still want to put my head against her stomach and cry and cry, for her innocence, for mine, for my mother who was stabbed at sixteen and the family who only acted aghast at their own reputation. I want to cry for all the children of the world who end up on the streets, for the parallel universe mes that could've ended up forever in his hands if his plan to poison the enemies worked.
 
I want to cry for the crippling misery that started even before I learned of this, last week when my grandmother took me aside and told me I was destined to carry this child for them, my family's breeding ground for their desires.
I felt my heart collapse in, a faulty building, for the past and now, for all the times I've been told this body isn't mine, that someone else knows what's healthy. I feel a child that isn't there already kicking and I want to scream and hide. I want to tell those doctors to excavate my body not my mind. To forcibly remove him from my lungs, to pry out all the guilt he implanted in me that was impregnated with each of her pains. I want to tell them that I've tried my best, but it's hard being hurt all over again.
I live in a home where I'm told my ovaries are the perfect space for somebody else's decisions.
I live in a world that condones this sort of thinking.
And I'm the one in the waiting office, being told I have damage that may be permanently ongoing, passed down from my father's brain and my father's hands.
 
Then they ask me why I feel resistant, ask me why my tears are so persistent.
I look at them, feeling the weight of everything breaking down in the space behind my eyes.
It's so much that all I answer is "I've got nothing"
It's all so much some days, what is there to say to them anyways?
 
May 15 2013

To be honest I'm pretty sad right now. As well as anxious.
I wish this was different. I wish she didn't have this terrible idea in her head. I'm going to be assertive with my boundaries, but I'm still kind of stunned she thinks she has this much of a right over my body. And she's supposed to be family, family who is supposed to love me.
Sigh.
 
May 15 2013

I don't know, that's the title that is stuck in my head with this, so I guess it's going.
 
I haven't posted anything in almost a month o_o Feels a lot shorter. Time is being odd still lately.
Things have been really rough since Thursday though. Multiple triggers around the same topic, and well all I know is I'm not coming back to this house once I'm in college.
Even my friend today at school today said this is really messed up. And it is. Sighs.
 
My family man. But overall things have been doing well, all things considering. Just this is a bunch of very frustrating and upsetting things coming up.
Also I saw a p-doc yesterday and that was kind of off setting too :/
 
Hopefully this calms down soon.
 
-May 15 2013

Things are improving, but still feeling pretty lonely. I think it's missing people, as well as that general feeling that hangs around of not being worth being able to connect with people/stay in connection with people. And yeah I know it's my doing and responsibility. Still pretty lonely though.
 
That quote is very fitting for it it feels. And everything feels really wonderful and new right now, although there's that tinge of anxiety and fear and sadness too. Maybe I'll always be stuck between these feelings, but I think I can manage.
 
Just if the guilt, shame and loneliness could lift more I guess. If those could, it'd feel a lot lighter and easier.
Maybe with time more and more.
Still sorting so much out.
 
April 26 2013

(Note to self nothing to do with grandfather)
 
If you wanted an itty bitty waisted model who pouted at all the right times and said your name as much as you needed for 40, you should've told me.
If you were going to try to find me, just so you can tell me you need me in words that would flush even the raunchiest paperback novelists, why didn't you just tell me?
I would've closed the door on your face long before the scent of you clung to all the sheets and my brain, never to be cleaned out.
 
You see it's not fair how you barged in, saying such sweet words with sweeter kisses. Telling me you'd save me from him, from Hell, that you'd hold my hand for a lifetime if you had to.
Remember how I told you I was so terrified of men I almost threw my phone out the window when they kept calling? But for you, I picked it up, even with all the shaking.
Remember how I told you I never slept well, because I kept getting woken up by my own screaming? You asked me what it was that was haunting me, and in response, we opened up our chest and let you see the extent of what we've hidden. In that moment you met parts of me I didn't even know of myself. In that moment you had all of me, raw and throbbing by your hands, on your promise you'd give it all back sewed right back up.
 
Liar. You either conveniently forget, or have no conscience at all. Take your pick. You knew how much this would ravage me, and you still did it.
So don't come crying at my door the nights you feel so alone, and you want to make the excuse it won't happen again. Don't come calling me up about how I didn't give you nearly enough back for every night you stayed up with me through the demons roaring in my head.
 
I never said you had to be awake. I never had you chained, always said I'd understand if you had to walk away. You're the one who kissed me gently under my eyes when I looked at you, each one widened with worry. You said there was no part of me you didn't want to see, no part of me you wouldn't handle with care. Nothing that would let you even be dragged from me.
 
Well you broke the whole thing you idiot. I gave you all the precautions, and you still threw me into the wall and acted surprised when my smile fell away with a crack. You think you'd just keep getting away with doing exactly what he did? You think just because the path is already tread, it means there's all the more room for your shoes? You think you were actually clever in this?
 
I wish I'd never met you. I wished I'd never told you your voice sounded like an angel and I'd follow it home. I would've hung up hysterical if I'd known you were the Pied Piper, waiting for the perfect chance to lock the doors. And don't blame your scars for making you an animal. We all have them, and god knows we're not all putting our noses up skirts we don't belong. God knows I don't believe you when you tell me you had no control. You had enough to count the bills you threw on me when you were just about done.
Don't pretend you didn't know. Don't pretend it's wrong I told you you're no longer anyone I want to know.
Don't pretend you're still somehow in love.
 
Leave me to my pain you'll never take away again. You made such disappointed sounds when I screamed you'd bruised me, and had the gall to say you didn't mean to hurt me. Well you sure have a way of showing it, finding every way for me to get my defenses down just so you could watch me fall apart again. It's too bad I had to be your fetish, broken girl you can cradle before breaking more, your doll you can sew up and split at need.
 
Well you won't be seeing anything more of me.
I hate you for what you've done to me.
I hate you most of all for lying to me, and trying to make like this was never coming.
If you wanted a pin up, if you wanted a quick one, why'd it have to be me, when you knew what I've seen?
When you convinced me you were a reason to trust in this dark world again?
You saved me from the ledge just to try to make yourself the ruler of my H*ll.
All this, because you said you'd never touch me wrongly, you'd find joy in just holding my hand...
 
Why the h*ll did you have to tell a lie like that?